Looking Thru The Eyes Of My Wife - Ruhani Hj Yusoff

She stood up repeatedly turned her head towards the exit door of the Operation Theatre (OT) each time it opens , as nurses strived to pull and roll the bed carrying  patients towards the other block which houses post surgery observation ward.Otherwise she sat staring at the water landscape fountain near a quiet walkway.She was joined by a very close and dependable family friend Ahmad Kushairi and his wife Hasnah who arrived at the hospital to company her.Will this feeling of lonliness be a short term or something she will have to bear for the rest of her life. Ahmad was using the stick and  was not physically well due to a recent leg injury and  was performing the zikr ever since Azman was taken into the OT. She remembered clearly few days before admission to Sungai Buloh Goverment Hospital, at her home, Ahmad was teaching her husband the zikr. A short verse  from the Quran to overcome fear.Azman was not his usual self  and visibly pressured as he's not comfortable, uneasy and worried on the outcome of the surgery.The zikr sounds like " Ya aman na kho ifin,amin na mimma na khof...' which generally means 

Allah, spare , save and release me from my fear. Azman wasn't well verse with Quran and Islamic ways and at the same time he is never off the religious  track.He held the principle of Islam and prayed like other muslim, not so religious but extremely slow in reading the Jawi due to a mocern upbringing.A day before Azman was admitted into the hospital, Ahmad who was so concerned touched Azman's head, like an elder brother and reminded him to place his outmost  faith so very strong to face the test lain down, as a full hearted muslim prayer will be heard and
 answered by Allah .

She was calm and motionless while her mind  travelled and explored all the possibilities and outcome.What she feared most is  losing her  man, a husband for the past 27 years and the only constant companion for the past 31 years.With Azman, she gave birth to Azrul , a graduate who majored Physics and minored Chemistry at Malaysia  Science University in Penang and currently teaching at SM Seri Utama  Petaling Jaya.She had prayed to Allah to keep this man alive no matter  what condition he is, she's willing and determined to bear waves of hardship  as long as her husband is able to company her on the remaining  walk & course of life.She's just not ready to be absorbed by the depth and breadth of loneliness living without a husband.Chances are, till the moment she sees her husband alive , the happiness  she own  might just  slipped throught her fingers

Her thoughts roamed to Azman last words before being taking the tablet which will put him to sleep fast before they put on the  general anaesthetic.'Love is the matter of the will, and I will  live to care and be concern of you', Allah will not pose burden which we can never undertake.The last time she saw and kissed  Azman's hand was at 7.00 am that morning before they move him to the OT.The nurse politely said to her 'Kakak, cium lah tangan suami kakak, sebab biasanya orang lain buat begitu'.She did what the nurse suggested and noticed   Azman already drown into unconsiousness.She begins to miss her husband's presence as the concrete  walls of the building divides them.

Her life with Azman wasn't easy as the husband is the breadwinner and her managing the home and only child.To generate more income, Azman became a helper at  an automotive repair workshop which belongs to his uncle His task was to do minor repair jobs, to service cars and also to go round within Kepong and Jinjang area to look or collect secondhand or used parts.Most workers at the workshop are related to him and he was obviously so very happy spending his rest and offdays with them.The house Azman stayed was inherited from his late father and its a stone's throw to the workshop. His official post during the eighties with DCA Malaysia is a  'Penolong Pegawai Kawalan Trafik Udara Gred A29'.The pay was just enough to make ends meet.He goes to work with a 70cc Honda Cub travelling through the Kepong - Sg.Buloh road to Subang.  There was no lifestyle and no social status to hold on and never was any conflict but had athousand friends.The joy, love and trust  they build was strong as ever while they lead a blissful and a very simple life and live below their means, prudent in spending the small income and continuosly saving for the child education and for the rainy days.But the man she love was so determine to change their life, holding to a wise man saying  'only education can change  life'. Azman climbed the ladder with his employer as he continued to pass every ATC  courses , pass every  practical examinations in the profession of Air Traffic Control which they termed it as 'ratings' and finally reach a comfortable   grade.The man she love never stop reading and writing to accumulate knowledge and skill.

The moment Azman was admitted to the hospital he lost the ability to drive,something he likes to do and drive pretty fast modified cars.His right leg was almost paralysed as it no longer support the body.With his weight Azrul was the only one who can push the wheelchair everytime Azman had to see the Spine Specialist , he had to skip teaching at school  by taking sick leave and so on.As a son he soldier on hoping high that his father wil recover one day. Azman's interest in repairing and maintaining car lead him to  posses 3 old cars and 2 more of a later model in his collection.The 30 year old Mitsubishi Galant, 16 year old Proton Iswara

and a 11 year old Perodua Kancil require daily touchup and adjustments done by Azman himself and now Ruhani wonders what will happen to all the 3  cars, being unwanted marque at the market and the  repair tools that Azman has assembled all this years.

She recalled the surgeons words explaining the 'laminal microdisectomy' procedure that will be carried out on Azman's back. The cut will be parallel to the spine and of 6cm in length.Using microsopic devices, a small hole will be drilled on the vertebrae in order to reach the herniated disc at L4 and L5 of the lumber section. The disc will be push back into place and trimmed and stitched so that it doesn't compress the nerves for the right leg.This was the problem Azman had ever since he started to work at Penang Airport. the right leg was numb and a sharp pain along the thigh to the ankle continue to trouble him.Dr Anderson Chong and Dr.Sallehuddin, Australian and South African trained spine specialist, also mentioned that he wanted to place a silicon spacer brought in from the United States by Medtronic Intl. Ltd. in between the vertebrae to protect the injured disc from weight of the torso until the disc hardens again in five to six months.

It looks like a perfect picture that the surgeon painted, but the  key word is ..doctors are human, and  the story line that lies in the next page is unknown.Tomorrow may never come who knows.Meanwhile Ruhani's only  son Azrul is married to Huda, also a teacher whom he met during campus days and blessed with a child.Throughout this episode Azrul was visibly disturbed by his father's health and the unknown possibilities.He and his wife has just started their career and  this unexpected turn, hit them hard morally and emotionaly.Earlier discussions with Ruhani's parent is  that if the worst is the destiny of Azman, then she will return to Kota Bharu  Kelantan with the body of her husband and  as for  Azrul & Huda, since they  had a reliable babysitter  should be able to continue  and  without the presence of the parents.

It was so cold and I was gasping for breath as my  face covered by an oxygen mask.I couldnt turn sideways and the only scenery I can recall was  the OT white lights and ceiling.I had to wait for the nurses to remove it and I realised that the surgery was over.It will be a long road to recovery and as the OT door opens I  succesfully fulfil the promise to my wife that I wont let go.As my bed passes thru the OT main door, I saw and waved to my wife and at the same time I heard Ahmad's
breaking voice saying 'alhamdulillah' many many times as he grabbed my frozen hand..